Universally beloved gesture of unity and understanding The Handshake passed into the hereafter in April of 2020, after a brief but courageous battle with the novel coronavirus COVID-19. The Handshake is survived by one brother, Fist Bump; one sister, Elbow Tap; and two cousins, Thumb War and The Wave.

It was approximately 2500 years old.

It Came In Peace

Believed to be born in Greece, The Handshake began its career in the greeting industry with a bang. It burst onto the scene as an electrifying new forearm grab, a simple but effective way for two people to be sure that neither had a dagger hidden in their sleeve. Sensing an opportunity to expand, The Handshake soon after debuted its patented up-and-down motion as a way to dislodge any additional concealed weapons. It was an instant success. And The Handshake craze spread with unprecedented speed.

Sealing the Deal

In the millenia that followed, The Handshake never failed to evolve, deftly adapting to the times and staying atop the cutthroat salutation game while lesser gestures fell by the wayside. No longer a practical weapons check, The Handshake rebranded itself as a more genteel clasping of palms and quickly became a ubiquitous symbol of trust and respect. This new custom of “pressing the flesh”, as it was known, outgrew the confines of friendly hellos and expanded to the broader market of goodbyes, congratulations and condolences. In fact, it was hard to find a situation where The Handshake wasn’t appropriate. Presidents, monarchs and heads of state considered The Handshake one of their closest allies. Car salesmen and church ushers relied on The Handshake daily. The Handshake’s place in the global zeitgeist had been secured.

Shaking Things Up

The Handshake had little left to prove by the mid-20th century. It had supplanted all other rituals such as the bow and the cheek kiss as the preeminent method of initial human interaction. Without competition, The Handshake entered a renaissance of wild experimentation. Forward thinkers slapped palms together above their heads in a display called the “High Five”. Variations included the “Low Five”, and the two were often incorporated into an Up high-Down low-Too slow charade that mocked would-be hand slappers for their sluggishness. Sliding palms across each other became known as “giving some skin”. These alternatives and more were combined into elaborate and sometimes secret “dapping” ceremonies designed to evoke a deeper solidarity between races, classes and creeds.

The Last Grasp

In the spring of 2020, an unexpected novel coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic dealt a devastating blow to The Handshake. Government-mandated social distancing measures precluded any physical contact, and medical professionals painted The Handshake as an antiquated and unnecessary practice that did little more than spread disease.

Having lived a most full and rewarding life, and for the health of the human species it loved so dearly, The Handshake perished.

Millions of lives were saved.

At the height of The Handshake’s career it was a safe assumption that, at any given second, thousands of people on planet Earth were shaking hands in some way. People shook hands in the depths of space. Nothing was more revered than The Handshake. It was immortalized in fine art, literature, movies, music, television and media of every sort. Emphatically egalitarian, it equally represented camaraderie and commerce. It signified the end to wars and the beginning of new alliances. It welcomed visitors. It complimented. It consoled. It apologized for our mistakes and lent credence to our promises.

It wasn’t perfect, but The Handshake gripped this world and changed it for the better. May its legacy be as eternal as the bond it represented.

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